Relationships That Matter: Who Do I Want to Stay Close To?

The Life I’m Living · Reflection 12

There are people in our lives we see all the time, people we see occasionally and people we genuinely love but somehow manage not to see nearly enough.

I’m sure I’m not the only person who has finished a conversation with, We really must arrange something soon, meant every word of it and then looked up to discover another month has disappeared. Nobody has fallen out. Nothing has gone wrong. Life has simply carried on doing what life does, filling the spaces with work and family and appointments and dinners and all the ordinary things that seemed to need doing first.

And then there are people we may not see for months, yet when we do eventually sit down together it takes approximately three minutes before it feels as though no time has passed at all.

Relationships are funny like that. Closeness isn’t always measured particularly well by frequency, proximity or the number of messages sitting in a WhatsApp conversation.

So, having begun this chapter of The Life I’m Living Collection by asking What Matters to Me Now?, I wanted the next reflection to turn towards the people in our lives.

Not to analyse our relationships or rank our friends. Certainly not to produce an alarming little list of people we ought to remove from our lives before lunchtime.

Just to ask a much gentler question:

Who do I want to stay close to?

The People Around Whom We Can Simply Be Ourselves

There are some people around whom being ourselves feels remarkably easy.

We don’t have to explain quite so much. We don’t need to arrive with everything sorted out or tell the polished version of what has been happening. We can say that the week has been dreadful without immediately following it with all the reasons we know we should be grateful.

They know some of the history already.

They understand the shorthand.

They know when we are joking, when we are avoiding something and, occasionally rather inconveniently, when “I’m absolutely fine” does not mean anything of the sort.

These relationships can appear in all sorts of places in our lives. It might be a partner, a sibling, a parent, an old friend, a newer friend, a colleague or somebody we met almost accidentally and somehow found very easy to know.

And our closest people are not necessarily the people we have known for the longest time. History can create a wonderful kind of closeness, but sometimes somebody arrives much later and we recognise something in one another almost immediately.

If you’re thinking about the relationships that matter to you, it might help to consider:

Who can I be completely myself around?
Who do I feel comfortable telling the truth to?
Whose company feels easy rather than effortful?
Who do I usually feel better for having spent time with?
Who knows me beyond the jobs I do and the roles I occupy?
Who makes me laugh, feel understood or simply feel at home?

There may be several names. There may be one that comes to mind immediately.

There is no required number.

The point isn’t to establish whether we have enough close relationships. It is simply to notice the ones we already value.

Different People Know Different Parts of Us

I think sometimes we place rather a lot of pressure on our closest relationships by expecting one person to understand every part of us.

But most of us have different kinds of connection with different people, and there is something lovely about that.

There may be somebody you ring when something has gone terribly wrong because you know they will listen without immediately trying to solve it. Somebody else might be the person you contact when something has gone wonderfully right because you know they will be genuinely delighted for you.

One friend might understand your work in a way that nobody else really does. Another remembers exactly who you were at seventeen because they were standing beside you at the time. Someone shares an interest that leaves everybody else in your life looking slightly bewildered. Someone makes you laugh. Someone asks excellent questions. Someone will happily sit beside you in silence.

We don’t need every relationship to provide every kind of connection.

In fact, noticing what different people bring to our lives can make us appreciate those relationships more rather than less. We stop expecting everybody to be everything and begin to recognise the particular thing that makes each connection valuable.

You might find yourself thinking about:

the person you instinctively want to tell good news to
the person you call when you need perspective
someone who shares a part of your life that matters deeply to you
someone with whom you can be completely silly
someone who remembers an earlier version of you
someone who encourages the person you are becoming now

These people may overlap. They may not.

Either is perfectly fine.

Who Have I Been Missing?

This is perhaps the question I find most interesting because it tells us something without immediately turning it into a criticism.

Not Who have I neglected?

Not Who should I be making more effort with?

Simply: Who have I been missing?

There is a very different feeling to that question.

Perhaps somebody has crossed your mind several times recently. Maybe you keep thinking that you would love to have coffee with them, go for a walk, invite them over or simply have a proper conversation instead of exchanging hurried messages.

Maybe there is an older relative you would genuinely like to spend more time with. Perhaps a friendship has become quieter, not because anything happened, but because your lives became busy in different directions.

Sometimes we miss people before we even realise that we miss them.

And occasionally the answer is surprisingly simple. We don’t need to repair a friendship or have a significant conversation about why we haven’t seen each other. We just need to send a message saying, Are you around for coffee next week?

Of course, not every relationship that becomes distant needs to become close again. Some connections naturally change as our lives change. People move in different directions. Circumstances alter. Something that once held two people together may no longer be there.

That doesn’t necessarily mean anything went wrong.

Sometimes a relationship belonged beautifully to one part of our life and becomes less central in another.

But if there is somebody you genuinely miss, that is worth noticing.

Closeness Doesn’t Always Mean Constant Contact

Some of the most important relationships in our lives may not look particularly close from the outside.

You might see somebody four times a year and consider them one of your closest friends. You may go weeks without speaking to a sibling and then have a two-hour conversation that covers everything. A friendship might survive an entire season on occasional messages because both of you are dealing with full lives.

There are periods when relationships have more room and periods when they have less.

When children are small, friendships can survive on hurried coffees, conversations interrupted seventeen times and messages answered three days late. Work can become particularly demanding. Someone becomes a carer. Someone moves. Someone is going through something difficult. Families need more from us at different times.

Later, there may be more room again.

Relationships have seasons too.

The important thing is perhaps not whether we maintain a perfect level of contact, but whether the connection still feels real when we return to it.

A relationship doesn’t have to look particularly impressive from the outside to be deeply important from the inside.

Where Is My Relationship Energy Going?

There is another side to this reflection, and it is worth noticing gently.

Some relationships take up a surprising amount of our emotional energy.

We might spend time worrying about whether somebody is upset with us, replaying a conversation, remembering everybody’s birthdays and arrangements, trying to keep the peace or being the person who always checks in first.

Sometimes that is simply part of loving people. Relationships are not perfectly balanced transactions where everybody contributes precisely fifty per cent at all times. There will be seasons when somebody we love needs much more from us, and other seasons when we are the person who needs more.

But there is still value in noticing how our relationships feel.

You might ask yourself:

Which relationships feel easy and mutual most of the time?
Who am I genuinely pleased to hear from?
Where do I feel most accepted as I am?
Is there a relationship taking a great deal of emotional energy at the moment?
Are there people I spend a lot of energy worrying about or trying to please?
Which relationships would I genuinely like to give a little more care to?

None of those questions requires an immediate decision.

This isn’t about deciding who deserves us and who doesn’t. Human relationships are far too complicated for that.

Sometimes noticing the pattern is enough.

The People Who Know Us Beyond Our Roles

There is another kind of closeness that becomes particularly valuable as life becomes fuller.

Most of us occupy a collection of roles without really thinking about it. We are somebody’s partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, colleague, neighbour, carer or the person who apparently knows where the spare batteries are.

Those roles matter. Many of them matter enormously.

But it is lovely to have people in our lives who know the person underneath all of them too.

People who remember what we like.

People who ask what we think.

People who are interested in the things that interest us rather than simply the things we are responsible for.

People around whom we don’t always have to be useful.

Perhaps one of the things worth noticing in this reflection is not only who we love, but who helps us remember ourselves.

That may be an old friend who immediately brings out a version of you that has become quieter. It may be somebody new who shares an interest you had almost forgotten mattered to you. It may even be someone you live with who still manages, amongst all the practicalities of ordinary life, to see you rather than merely the role you are filling that day.

Those connections are worth recognising.

Staying Close Usually Happens in Very Ordinary Ways

When we realise a relationship matters to us, it can be tempting to think we need to do something significant about it.

Usually, we don’t.

Relationships are very often maintained through ridiculously ordinary things.

A message because somebody crossed your mind. Remembering to ask how the appointment went. Sending the photograph you know will make them laugh. Making the coffee arrangement instead of saying for the sixth time that you really should make one.

It might be:

sending a message today rather than meaning to send one
arranging a coffee or a walk
making a phone call
inviting somebody over without waiting until the house is perfect
checking in about something you know matters to them
saying, quite simply, I miss seeing you

None of these things is particularly dramatic.

That may be precisely why they work.

Free Printable: Who Do I Want to Stay Close To?

I’ve created a new reflection page to accompany this post as part of The Life I’m Living Collection.

Who Do I Want to Stay Close To? is not a relationship audit and there is no expectation that you fill the page with names. Instead, it gives you a little space to notice the people and connections that matter in your life right now.

The printable invites you to reflect on:

the people you feel most yourself with
the people you’re grateful to have in your life
somebody you may have been missing
relationships you would like to tend a little more
the people who bring something good to your ordinary days
one small way you might reach out

DOWNLOAD THE FREE WHO DO I WANT TO STAY CLOSE TO? PRINTABLE

As always, you don’t have to complete every section. You may find that one person’s name comes immediately to mind and that is all you need from this reflection.

The printables in The Life I’m Living Collection are tools, not assignments. Use whatever is helpful and leave the rest.

Some People Are Worth Keeping a Little Closer

We cannot keep every relationship exactly as it once was.

Nor should we try.

Our lives change, other people’s lives change and the amount of room we have for different relationships changes too. Some people will be beside us for decades. Others may be deeply important for a particular season. Some relationships will survive long stretches of quiet and pick up again when life allows.

The point of this reflection isn’t to hold tightly to everybody we have ever loved.

It is simply to notice the people who matter to us now.

The ones whose company we genuinely enjoy. The ones around whom we can exhale a little. The ones who know our stories, or are interested in the person we are becoming. The people we miss when too much time passes.

And perhaps there is somebody whose name has appeared in your mind more than once while reading this.

You don’t need to analyse why.

Maybe just send the message.

Continue The Life I’m Living Collection

Previous: Reflection 11 · What Matters to Me Now?

A gentle reflection on what genuinely feels important in this season of your life, what matters less than it once did and what you want to protect.

EXPLORE REFLECTION 11 →

Next: Reflection 13 · What Deserves My Time and Attention?

A thoughtful look at whether the things that matter to us are actually finding any room in our ordinary lives — without turning life into another exercise in productivity.

EXPLORE REFLECTION 13 →

Or return to The Life I’m Living Collection to explore all the reflections and free printables in the series.

VISIT THE LIFE I’M LIVING COLLECTION →

Chat soon,

Ciara x

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